In a stunning development that’s sure to excite both nature-loving environmentalists and pipeline enthusiasts alike, the state of Wisconsin has granted permits for Enbridge’s Line 5 reroute, a move celebrated by many as a bold step toward progress. Environmentalists are now bracing themselves for the euphoric chaos that will undoubtedly ensue as oil companies continue to revolutionize our beloved wilderness with state-of-the-art pipelines and the sweet smell of profit. Residents of northern Wisconsin were recently treated to a heartwarming reminder of how much fun it is to crush a few ecosystems in the name of “energy independence.” After all, who wouldn’t want to gaze out at a picturesque landscape dotted with shiny, new pipelines instead of, you know, trees? Local environmental groups quickly gathered to launch a campaign urging tourists to come and experience the majestic beauty of what will soon be the Great Pipeline of Wisconsin, because nothing says “nature” like a high-pressure oil conduit rolling through pristine wetlands. Experts in corporate camouflage, known as “environmental consultants,” have reassured the public that the impact on local wildlife will be “minimal,” which is a word that definitely doesn’t mean “negligible” or “don’t worry about the frogs.” They explained that as long as the rivers aren't turned into a delightful shade of crude oil, there’s really no reason to fret. After all, who doesn’t love a good oil sheen chasing away the pesky algae? As for local wildlife, don’t worry! The resident deer have reportedly been briefed on the reroute and given special crossing flags to alert them to incoming construction crews. “Safety first!” declared an enthusiastic spokesdeer, donning a tiny hard hat and neon vest designed to make it more visible. "It’s not like we're using this habitat for anything important, right?" The reroute promises jobs—glorious, temporary jobs! This has locals bubbling with excitement, as they anticipate the one-time opportunity for employment fumigating oil spills and crafting a new line of “only slightly tainted” artisanal soaps made from crude oil. Local economies are bound to flourish with the influx of boomtown activities, such as $15 hot dog stands and inflatable pipeline mascots to remind everyone how thrilling it is to sacrifice nature for capitalism. In response to the overwhelming support for progress at all costs, Enbridge issued a statement proclaiming, “We love pipelines so much that we strongly believe in the phrases ‘green jobs’ and ‘eco-friendly oil.’” They also hinted that more pipelines could lead to seasonal “pipeline appreciation days” where families can picnic next to their favorite steel behemoths—now with added oil spills for a bit of excitement! While some naysayers bemoan the decision, claiming that ruining the environment for economic gain is bad for future generations, they’re conveniently forgetting that future generations probably enjoy watching educational documentaries about how beautiful their home used to be before progress transformed it into a hopeless wasteland. So, as corporations and governments alike cheer this monumental victory for progress and prosperity, environmentalists can take solace in the fact that soon they’ll be able to channel their anger into crafting heart-wrenching poetry about the fracking dandelions and oil-slick squirrels that will soon be their only companions in nature’s tragic—and tragically beautiful—graveyard. Who knows? Maybe they'll even start a booming new art movement: “nature’s last gasp.”