In a bold move that has left environmentalists shaking their heads and fossil fuel tycoons popping champagne corks, Pennsylvania's government has announced its new energy policy, aptly titled "Back to the Future: Sticking with What Works." The initiative, which promises to keep the state firmly anchored in the beloved fossil fuel era, has been met with applause from coal miners, oil drillers, and anyone who still believes “out with the old, in with the new” was simply a catchy phrase, not a way of life. "Our coal is the pride of Pennsylvania, and nothing says progress like a good old-fashioned carbon footprint," Governor Joe Greasers said at a press conference held in front of a plump, smiling coal miner statue, which has become a state landmark. "Why invest in solar panels when we have mountains of rock just waiting to be dug up? Clean energy is a myth perpetuated by tree-huggers and those who enjoy wearing hemp clothing." The plan, which includes hefty investments in dragging Pennsylvania’s mining industry into the limelight, revises the state’s renewable energy target for 2030 from a near-ambitious 30% to a mind-numbing zero. Yes, you read that right: zero percent. The logic is sound—who needs renewable energy when we can rely on tried-and-true methods that have never caused an air quality alert? To celebrate this bold turn towards the past, Pennsylvania is launching a new motto: “Coal: it’s what’s for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!” Local diners have already started offering “Carbon Combos” — generously-sized meals cooked over open coal fires, because nothing says heartland America like eating your beef while breathing in fumes straight from the pits. Critics have argued that the move is not only a regression but a full-blown catapult into a dystopian future. However, these naysayers were swiftly silenced when the state’s new tourism campaign featured a picturesque video montage set to a catchy tune celebrating the caveman lifestyle—complete with coal ovens and roaring fossil fuel displays. Environmental organizations, whose names now sound like cringe-worthy boomerang brands, have attempted to interject logic into the discussion, citing studies that show fossil fuel dependency contributes to climate change and health issues. In response, state leaders assured residents that when they have the option to breathe deeply, they can always invest in more carbon filters. “Adaptation is the key,” said one government spokesperson, clad in a leather jacket and sipping a bottle of corn syrup. In a final show of commitment to fossil fuels, Pennsylvania will be designating a park every year for the next decade to honor fallen coal mines, complete with coal-themed playgrounds, while closing local renewable energy facilities for “regular maintenance.” State officials have also pledged to reduce taxes on the fossil fuel industry and provide tax credits for anyone who can prove they still use a rotary phone, the pinnacle of retro roots. So, as Pennsylvania embarks on this glorious journey into yesteryear, the message is clear: why leap into the future when you can wade through a puddle of nostalgia, coated in soot? Buckle up, folks; it’s going to be a smokin’ ride!