In a remarkable display of forward-thinking or perhaps sheer desperation, the governors of New England's Northeastern states gathered this week to unveil their grand ‘Master Plan’ for energy control, a bold initiative aimed at combating climate change while simultaneously ensuring they’re always one blackout away from a candidacy for the next reality series, “Survivor: The Electric Boogaloo.” “This is about taking back our energy future,” declared Governor Griddle, known for crafting environmental policies as well as he crafts a fine grilled cheese: half-baked and a little cheesy. “We’re introducing a new system where power comes not from traditional sources, but from our collective enthusiasm and social media posts about solar panels!” The plan is a multi-layered approach that includes mandatory wind turbine selfies, where every citizen must post their best windmill photo at least three times per week to contribute to the ‘Vibe Meter’ that determines energy availability for the region. “The more likes, the more lights!” Griddle enthused, igniting an applause that only dimmed when a local teenager informed the crowd that nobody really uses Facebook anymore. Next in the ambitious plan is the implementation of the ‘Renewable Rerouting Mandate’ which stipulates that if Maine’s lobsters can’t get enough sustainable energy, then Massachusetts’ Dunkin’ Donuts surely shouldn’t either. “It’s all interconnected, folks!” proclaimed the governor, while publicly struggling to explain how specifically this would affect the morning coffee supply chain, a topic close to the hearts of every caffeine-fueled commuter. As part of the energy upcycle, states have also committed to engaging in a series of waves and chants every Friday at sunset to “manifest our energy desires.” While some skeptics criticized the effectiveness of chanting for solar panels, Griddle reassured the audience, “Hey, if it works for college sports, why not for the ozone layer?” In a move quickly deemed “sustainably insane” by critics, the plan proposes an Energy Fairness Index where state energy schemes will be ranked like a hipster coffee shop menu. Citizens will be encouraged to vote on their favorite energy sources via the increasingly underwhelming ‘Eco-App’ where residents of New Hampshire can voice their preference for solar, while Rhode Island can finally declare its undying love for tidal energy in the most passive-aggressive manner possible. Opponents have been quick to dismiss the plan. “I don’t think our houses should run on Instagram hashtags,” grumbled Dave Bracket, who is still waiting for the 15 minutes of hot water he was promised under the last initiative. “What’s next, a TikTok dance for thermal energy? I can’t keep up!” However, Northeastern leaders remain undeterred. “Look, we’re all in this together,” Governor Griddle concluded as the gathered attendees searched for the nearest charging station for their electric cars, the very cars they were told would be part of the solution, as it was implied they were all expected to come here by foot or on refurbished bicycles. “We’re jumping into the future—no backup plan necessary! What could possibly go wrong?” Indeed, as the sun set over the highways of New England, it became clear: energy control has never looked so brilliantly bewildering. Now all the citizens need is a strong Wi-Fi connection to summon the power of their collective thoughts, along with a side of sustainable sarcasm to keep their homes lit—at least until the next blackout.