In a shocking turn of events, New Orleans officials have declared an all-out war on the city’s beloved beignets, sparking outrage among sugar-dusted fans and pastry enthusiasts alike. The city council convened late last night to discuss the rising obesity rates attributed to the notorious French doughnuts, which some officials are blaming for turning New Orleans into “a city of powdered sugar and regret.” Mayor Ernest Flapjack stated, “We must protect our citizens! The beignet is a gateway pastry, luring innocent bystanders with its alluring shape and tantalizing sweetness. Today it’s a beignet, tomorrow it’s a king cake—and the next thing you know, we’ll all be rolling into the Mississippi!” The declaration triggered immediate protests in the French Quarter where beignet lovers clashed with local health officials. Armed with confectioners' sugar and tablecloths, pastry protestors rallied outside Café du Monde, chanting “Let them eat beignets!” and “Powdered freedom for all!” Witnesses report that one particularly zealous protestor lost consciousness after cramming one too many beignets into his mouth. “It was an act of solidarity!” stated protestor and self-proclaimed ‘Beignet Bandit’ Joe Fluffy. “I did it for all of us! I mean, what’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy a cloud of deliciousness in your mouth?” Meanwhile, city officials have begun drafting legislation aimed at regulating the beignet industry. Proposals include limiting purchases to one beignet per person, while stout defenders of the pastry industry vow to fight back. Local pastry chefs launched a counter-campaign, ironically named “Beignets for Freedom,” where they’re selling unlimited sugar-laden doughnuts for—get this—a “name your price” fee. “I can’t believe this is happening! First, they took away my gumbo party, and now they’re coming for my beignets!” lamented local chef Pierre DuLoose, who claimed his shop was already on the brink of bankruptcy. “How can I make a living turning flour into gold if all this dough is illegal?” As the conflict intensifies, some have asked whether it’s time to take the fight out of the streets and onto social media where outrage can be expressed in hashtags, memes, and pastry puns. Local influencers are already competing to create the best beignet-related TikTok dances while others are using Instagram to flaunt their “beignet nail art”—a trend involving artful dusting of powdered sugar over fake nails. In response to the impending pastry crackdown, a rogue crew of beignet enthusiasts has formed a secret society known as the “Flour Power Posse,” which aims to “preserve the sanctity of the beignet at all costs.” It is rumored they will be offering covert beignet tastings in undisclosed locations, but be warned: acceptance into the club requires a passphrase. “Glazed and confused” might just grant you access—if you can find the secret doorway behind a jazz band in a speakeasy! Regardless of the outcome, the beignet battle has united the people of New Orleans through humor, outrage, and the shared desire to enjoy life’s simple pleasures—one powdered pastry at a time. As they say, “When life gives you lemons, trade them for beignets.” Stay tuned as the War on Beignets evolves; we’re sure this pastry debacle is far from over!