Welcome aboard the S.S. Data Overload, the vessel nonchalantly cruising through the tempestuous ocean of information at the School of Information Studies (SOIS). As we embark on this exhilarating journey, be prepared to navigate the choppy waters of binary code, metadata, and an unending supply of scholarly articles that will have you questioning if "data" is a legitimate commodity or just a fancy word for "never-ending anxiety." So grab your life preserver (or perhaps a strong cup of coffee), for it’s time to explore how to major in Data Overload. Step 1: Orientation – Embrace Your Existential Crisis Upon arrival at SOIS, you will be greeted by friendly faculty who will attempt to convince you that “information is power.” As you stand in a sea of incoming freshmen, feeling the mounting pressure of choice, remember that your very first lesson is to embrace your existential crisis. What is information? What is knowledge? What is happening? You’ll ponder these questions while buried under a pile of textbooks that are definitely not going to read themselves—unless you count skimming the abstracts, of course. Step 2: Choose Your Course – It’s All About the Buzzwords When it comes to choosing your courses, don’t just pick what sounds interesting; go for the fanciest-sounding titles with buzzwords that will impress your friends and parents. “Empirical Data Analysis” sounds sophisticated, but “Introduction to Information Overload” might come in handy when you’re knee-deep in papers about information theories. Remember to avoid classes that involve any semblance of “practical skills” unless you have a secret desire to invoke the wrath of academic purists. Step 3: Research Projects – Welcome to the Digital Abyss Welcome to the research projects, where you’ll discover the sheer joy of becoming an unpaid intern of your own mind! You’ll spend hours sifting through data sets like a gold miner panning for nuggets of wisdom. In the process, you’ll cultivate a deep appreciation for the unlimited resources available at your fingertips—and, equally, for the debilitating headache that follows prolonged exposure to such endless potential. The trick here is to write 10 pages about the correlation between people’s ages and their fascination with cat videos on YouTube, without getting lost in Google Scholar's labyrinth. (Spoiler alert: there's a strong correlation!) Step 4: Networking – Swim or Sink Ah, networking, the art of floating through the information sea with style! At SOIS, conferences await like treacherous whirlpools, threatening to pull you under unless you master the delicate balance of schmoozing. “Hi, I’m studying data overload!” is an excellent conversation starter, often met with puzzled expressions and pitying looks. Pro tip: Always carry a business card that reads “Data Overload Enthusiast” to hand out as if you’re conducting a social experiment. You’ll either make meaningful connections, or at least provide countless laughs for your peers as they recount tales of your networking attempts. Step 5: Capstone Project – The Tsunami of Stress As you approach graduation, you’ll be faced with the ultimate test: your capstone project! This monstrous task will make all previous assignments seem like fun little jaunts in the park. Your mission is to tackle a real-world information problem—no pressure! As you dive into your project, expect waves of stress that threaten to engulf you. Remember to fortify yourself with an assortment of snacks, caffeinated beverages, and enough caffeine to keep your heart racing for weeks. When you finally emerge from the chaos, you’ll have a sophisticated piece of work that leaves your friends wondering how you managed to dodge burnout. Step 6: Graduation – The Lifebuoy of Accomplishment Congratulations! After being baptized in the stormy waters of data analysis, research, and confounding buzzwords, you are now a proud graduate of SOIS, equipped with a degree in Data Overload. You’ll receive a diploma that boldly states you are prepared to make sense of the unending flood of information that wants nothing more than to drown you—metaphorically speaking, of course. So, as you set sail into the real world, remember your time at SOIS fondly. Embrace the chaos of data, take joy in the overload, and most importantly, never stop asking for help—mostly because “information is power,” and you’re here to wield it! Bon voyage, future information navigators!