In a stunning defeat for the concept of national unity, former Central Bank Governor Mark Carney has secured the Liberal leadership with an astounding 86% of the vote—leaving the other candidates with the responsibility of finding a new hobby. In a speech that was practically a love letter to Canadian independence, Carney promised supporters that “Canada will never become part of America in any way, shape, or form,” effectively reassuring Canadians that they can continue to enjoy their maple syrup without fear of it being repackaged in a red, white, and blue bottle. Carney, whose campaign slogan "Keep Canada Weird (and Definitely Not American)" resonated throughout the halls of the Liberal Party, expressed his commitment to making sure that the United States could never lay claim to any more of Canada than it already has, which some party members humorously noted is essentially "the entire province of Ontario during hockey season." At the celebratory event in Ottawa, much to the dismay of the U.S. Department of State, Canadians from coast to coast gathered to chant “Sorry, not sorry!” as they waved flags that read "We are not Americans!" in bold, unapologetic lettering. This boisterous rallying cry came after Carney promised to replace American pop culture with an influx of Canadian comedians, much to the confusion of the average voter who still can’t determine the difference between Letterkenny and The Office. The election saw an impressive turnout of nearly 400,000 party members, with 151,899 votes cast in total. Experts claim that such high participation might be due to members' desire to ensure that Canada maintains its identity—including the unique ability to complain about the weather while simultaneously declaring "It's not that bad" when temperatures reach -30°C. "I mean, 86% is basically unanimous—very Canadian!" Carney laughed, referring to his landslide victory as he donned a plaid shirt, which had been officially declared a uniform essential for all of his future press conferences. In a symbolic gesture, he also promised to ban all products labeled with “Made in America” in favor of local alternatives that emphasize all things Canadian—like poutine-flavored potato chips and hockey-themed pancake syrup. In a surprise addition to his agenda, Carney is reportedly contemplating “maple diplomacy,” a strategy aimed at spreading Canadian values through the distribution of maple-flavored treats to world leaders while insisting that true friendship cannot be established without a mutual appreciation for Tim Hortons. As he steps into his new role, Carney assures everyone that he will keep an eye on the growing Americanization of Canada, promising to get rid of any offending elements—except, of course, for those indie rock bands that refuse to leave the country. “We can still appreciate good music,” he quipped, “as long as it’s not trying to become a CrossFit gym-adjacent Tinder meet-up.” Political analysts are divided on what the future holds under the Carney administration, although many agree that whatever happens, it will be 100% un-American. And as for the rest of the world? They can keep their Starbucks, but Canada plans to keep Quartz coffee and its favorite pastime: apologizing profusely for anything that goes wrong.