In a turn of events that shockingly no one except the bewildered population of a small Louisiana town, an insatiably ravenous fossil fuel plant, notoriously named “Hades’ Heart,” has single-handedly sucked up every drop of water from the region, leaving the community as dry as the humor in a Victorian-period sitcom. The fossil fuel plant, proudly operated by the faceless, emotionless, and soulless greed-driven corporate giant Crashbangclatter Environmental Catastrophe, Inc., is responsible for siphoning every molecule of H2O in the area, thus turning the local river into a beachfront property overnight. Residents have expressed utter disbelief and anger, claiming they've been tricked by an 8ft tall neon sign that reads, "Water Conservation in Progress." In a chilling display of corporate logic, a spokesperson, George Thisissustainable, stated, "We’re not greedy. We’re just consuming what’s already available to us. After all, who needs water when we're providing them with jobs? Do they expect us to function on Pixie Dust?" Residents, in response, have been seen attempting to cultivate a new species of desert cactus, hoping it would double as a water source and a natural deterrent against any corporate tycoon who may try to steal it. Visibly upset, local resident Monty NoH2O bemoaned, "How will we put beer in our crawfish boil or baptize our babies now?" Teachers and students at local schools have adapted to a new curriculum - 'adjustment in apocalypse.’ Students as young as six years old are learning valuable survival skills like how to harvest groundwater, perform rain dances, and the valuable lesson “that a corporation's thirst for unrestrained profits is ironically, more insatiable than Mother Earth's thirst for water.” Meanwhile, local flora and fauna have collectively thrown up their metaphorical hands and evacuated en masse to greener pastures, leaving the bald cypress trees to literally wither and die from sorrow. As residents look towards divine intervention, town minister, Holy Thirst No More, confidently states, "We shall turn wine into water, or perhaps unearth a new stream of bourbon beneath us. Miracles happen!" The CEO of Crashbangclatter Environmental Catastrophe Inc., Destiny Drought, was unavailable for a comment, as she was too busy counting the stacks of money made from selling fresh bottled water at extorted prices to parched residents. Ms. Drought later issued a statement saying, "The water drains have nothing to do with our operations, it's a clear case of mismanagement by …elves." In an unexpectedly accurate portrayal of the situation at a federal level, a mind-bogglingly silent response has been received from government bodies. "You don't need water for survival, you need spirit,” relayed an anonymous source from the unnamed government agency for water. “Besides, it only contributes to toilet leakage and water fights - clearly frivolous uses we can do without." As waves of fury wash over the drought-stricken town, Hades’ Heart is seemingly basking in its diabolical glory, reminding all that Mother Earth's resources are as infinite as the delusional rationale of corporate greed affecting environmental conservation in the 21st century. Now, all eyes are on this modern-day Dark Age, where citizens are left gasping in the dust trail of corporate profits.