In a groundbreaking decision that has left environmentalists scratching their heads and real estate developers dancing in their boots, the Supreme Court's recent Sackett ruling has effectively rolled back decades of protections for America’s precious wetlands. “Why preserve nature when you can pave paradise and put up a parking lot?” said one enthusiastic developer who, with the newfound freedom, is already sketching plans for "Wetlands City," complete with a golf course, luxury condos, and an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet. In a courtroom packed with lobbyists and land barons, the justices declared wetlands to be “just damp areas that can be used for profit” rather than “intricate ecosystems home to countless species of flora and fauna.” Justice Amy Coney Barrett, with a twinkle in her eye, quipped, “The only marsh we need is the marshmallow kind for our s'mores!” The ruling came amid murmurs about the government having the audacity to protect the environment. “What’s next? Are they going to start regulating air quality?” scoffed one representative at a charity dinner sponsored by the Association of Corporate Hydroelectric Developers. “I mean, who cares about a few frogs when there’s money to be made?” One particularly enterprising developer has taken to calling the new era of land ownership the “Sackett Shuffle,” wherein wetland areas are quickly drained and left to dry out, transforming them into prime real estate. “You just have to throw some dirt on it and, boom, instant buildable land!” he exclaimed, as he displayed before-and-after photos of various swamps turned into luxury subdivisions. “Who knew nature could just be so… malleable?” Meanwhile, environmental scientists are reportedly looking into new strategies for thwarting the inevitable destruction. One group has begun distributing flyers that read “Save a Swamp, Stop a Developer!” but early reports indicate that the pamphlets are mostly being used as compost. “There’s only so much we can do,” lamented one researcher, shrugging. “If they think paving over wetlands is a great idea, then perhaps they should experience the joys of living in a real swamp. Let’s see how long it takes for them to appreciate the value of a good frog.” Public reaction has been predictably mixed, with many citizens expressing their dismay while secretly reveling in the potential for new shopping malls. “At least I can finally get that Starbucks I’ve always wanted on what used to be a frog’s home!” cheered a local resident, clutching her $5 latte. In a nod to capitalism, the ruling has spurred a wetland-themed marketing campaign titled “Wipe Out the Wetlands,” which features catchy jingles and promises of “Nature’s Best Landscapers – Now Available for Your Property!” As the sun sets, painting the sky in shades of orange and green, worried environmentalists watch helplessly as machinery rolls in to destroy marshes that had stood for centuries. “I guess this is what progress looks like,” muttered one green activist, as he added yet another item to his list of reasons to move to a cave. In this brave new world, when it comes to wetlands, it seems the only one left to ask is, “What’s a little marshland when there’s gold in them there hills?”