In an unexpected turn of events, the British political landscape has become a chaotic blend of Border Control Bingo and International Smuggler Whac-A-Mole, as Sir Keir Starmer has announced his latest heroic mission from the exotic locale of Albania. With the Channel’s monthly crossing record approaching an alarming speed, the Labour leader has boldly promised to crush smugglers faster than you can say “where’s my passport?”. With urgency akin to that of a contestant on a cooking show racing against the clock, Starmer declared to a captivated crowd of Albanian dignitaries and bemused tourists: “The last government lost control of the borders. I will smash the gangs running this vile trade!” Meanwhile, the smugglers, probably listening via a live stream, were likely left shaking in their boots, sipping espresso while furiously drafting their ‘Sorry Not Sorry’ press releases. With a finger pointed squarely at Albania, Starmer outlined a comprehensive plan that included everything from diplomatic spa days to collaborative international karaoke nights, all in a bid to “see more of that.” While passports and resettlement programs are typically serious business, Starmer announced plans to enhance border cooperation through engaging games of "Guess Who?" to identify smugglers hiding among enthusiastic visitors and locals alike. In a shocking twist, Starmer's pledge highlighted Albania's newfound role as the unlikely avenger in the eternal battle against the Channel chaos. “If we can stop them before they reach the shores of Dover, we’ll be laughing!” he quipped, before promptly rescheduling his afternoon tea to discuss potential trade agreements for Albanian pastries. Back in the UK, political analysts scratched their heads while pondering the implications of the rising crossing numbers and Starmer’s venture into international diplomacy. One commentator remarked, “I guess when you've run out of options, taking a stand in a different country is as good as any—who knew Albania was the new frontline in the war against smugglers?” While those crossing the Channel might be more focused on their immediate journey than the complexities of border policy, one thing is certain: as Sir Keir embarks on his quest to topple the smugglers, we can only hope it includes a lesson in proper border etiquette — and perhaps a side of baklava.