In a groundbreaking move that has shocked absolutely no one, Hollywood's biggest studios have announced an ambitious new initiative dubbed "Climate Action Cinematic Universe" (CACU), where reality will take a backseat to blockbusters in their efforts to “save the world.” Fueled by a combination of the greenest of greenwashing and a sprinkle of good old-fashioned Hollywood marketing magic, the campaign aims to make climate change the ultimate box office blockbuster. Studio executives state that they’ve realized the key to solving the climate crisis lies not in actual climate action but in making films about it—preferably starring A-list actors who are flown in on private jets. In the latest press conference that resembled a bizarre combination of a superhero movie premiere and a United Nations Climate Summit, leading lady Bella Carbonella declared, “We’re here to shine a light on global warming! Well, not too bright—enough to keep our chandeliers sparkling at home, of course.” The star-studded press event featured a thrilling trailer for the upcoming high-octane film "The Last Straw," starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as a genetically modified kelp who joins forces with a tech millionaire to battle the evil corporation emitting carbon on a cosmic scale. Critics are already applauding its intuitive social commentary and non-stop action, which is set to culminate in a CGI-heavy showdown against a giant, anthropomorphic polar bear named Captain Meltdown. In an unexpected twist, this new cinematic endeavor has also led to the launch of a partnership between studios and convenience stores across America, who will proudly distribute limited-edition eco-friendly snacks, all packaged in non-recyclable plastic. “It’s a win-win! Our film promotes sustainability, while you munch on popcorn that will contribute to the very plastic problem we’re bemoaning on screen,” said exec Tim Tinsel, who is somehow the head of “Sustainable Outreach.” Fans of the genre can expect a slew of content inundating social media feeds. Influencers have already begun launching the #SaveThePlanetChallenge, where participants take glamorous selfies holding up reusable straws while standing near an industrial coal plant. One influencer, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, “The key is to look fabulous while projecting environmental angst. You can’t fight the climate crisis without a perfectly curated Instagram aesthetic!” As part of the marketing campaign, movie sequels are already in the works, with titles like "Fifty Shades of Green" and “The Fast and the Furiously Unsustainable” on the horizon. Moreover, a faux-documentary titled “Plastic on Both Sides” will hit theaters just in time for Earth Day, cleverly masking the fact that it will feature almost no actual environmental facts, choosing to instead focus on the gripping tale of a family deciding whether to use cloth or paper napkins during brunch. To ensure audiences hear the Hollywood message loud and clear, the studios have also introduced “Eco-Ads” that run before films. These short clips will feature heartwarming scenes of puppies in habitats destroyed by climate change, intercut with luxury car commercials that contribute significantly to the problem. It’s all about balance, after all, right? As a cherry on top of this eco-parade, Hollywood is pushing to require all theater-goers to receive carbon-offsetting points based solely on how many plastic popcorn buckets they purchase—because nothing says eco-friendly quite like a theater filled to the brim with lucky winners of a “Green Valedictorian” raffle. Movies will never change the world, but as they say in Hollywood: “Why fix a problem when you can make it the plot of an action-packed sequel?” So grab your popcorn, because the apocalypse will be rolling into theaters sooner than we think.