In a sweeping display of solidarity that would make even the most hardened political cynic shed a tear, half of America's Attorneys General have banded together in what they’re calling “The Coalition of the Desperate.” They gathered Tuesday in a dimly lit conference room (read: the basement of a local Holiday Inn) to strategize on how to secure FEMA funds amid a growing number of natural disasters—because if there's one thing natural disasters can’t be denied, it’s an opportunity for lawyers. The group, composed of attorneys general from the states hardest hit by calamities (and by calamities, we mean budget cuts), came together in what they claim is a monumental bipartisan effort. Their goals are straightforward: obtain federal disaster relief funds and ensure that their states are properly funded to address the aftermath of flooding, wildfires, and the occasional tornado weaving its way through a lavender-scented farmer's market. “We’re in a bind here, folks,” said one AG, visibly sweating as he thumbed through his emergency go-bag, which was suspiciously filled with pamphlets on how to effectively grasp the low-hanging fruit of federal funding. “If we can’t secure FEMA, then who will? The tooth fairy?” As the coalition members prepared their demands for FEMA funding, they faced an uphill battle, which they assured everyone was akin to climbing Everest—or, more accurately, a particularly steep hill behind the Holiday Inn. “Look,” one AG stated candidly, “if we don’t make this happen, we’ll be forced to ask our constituents for actual money—gasp! The horror! We will never survive such scrutiny!” Insider sources have revealed that the real motivation behind the coalition's formation is less about disaster victims and more about the potential to charm constituents with an imaginary big win from federal coffers. Political analysts suggest that the AGs are essentially playing a game of “Who Can Yell the Loudest to Get Federal Cash?” while carefully ignoring that their states have been mishandling their budgets for the last decade. As the press conference unfolded, it quickly devolved into a competition. One AG boldly claimed that they’d put together a PowerPoint that contains at least seven different emergency emojis, which he claimed would surely catch FEMA’s attention. Another suggested they should start a TikTok dance challenge titled #FEMAOrBust, emphasizing the need for cash through viral choreography. “And don’t think for a second this is just a cry for help—this is activism!” declared another attorney general, cleverly positioning himself to bathe in the limelight while avoiding any mention of how his office had cut funding to disaster preparedness educational programs just months prior. “We’re here to help our people, and if that means hosting a reality TV show about the trials of securing federal funds, so be it!” As the coalition glimed headlong into the media frenzy, the nation learned that while desperate pleas for help may seem noble on the surface, it’s really just another case of political theater at its finest. After all, what better way to bolster your reputation than by presenting yourself as a shiny knight, gallantly charging into battle on behalf of the struggling masses, only to convince them that the battle is entirely against a budget shortfall of your own making? As the teleprompters rolled and cameras flashed, it became clear that the only winners here may be the public relations firms cashing in on the AGs' newfound visibility. In the end, one thing is certain: whether it’s through a heartfelt appeal for disaster relief or a viral dance challenge, this coalition knows the art of distraction better than anyone else. Stay tuned as we follow their unyielding quest towards federal dollars—right after this word from our sponsor: “How to Pass the Buck: An Attorney General’s Guide to Budgeting for Dummies.”