In a monumental turn of events that can only be described as a "goal-line stand," Georgia has officially traded in its soccer dreams for political blunders as former soccer star turned president, Ivan "The Goal Machine" Goeltsishvili, prepares to kick-off his term. On Saturday, Goeltsishvili will don his presidential jersey—hopefully, it fits better than his soccer shorts—and embark on a new journey filled with political plays that may or may not involve actual soccer balls. The Georgian Dream party, known for its magical ability to keep winning, even when no one is watching, has snagged 89 of 150 seats in Parliament, decisively holding onto power like a goalie gripping a crucial save. Their success in the recent elections has been deemed a "referendum on European integration," but many Georgians seemed to have confused it with a local match—cheering loudly for a victory without truly understanding the rules of the game. With Goeltsishvili at the helm, the opposition has swiftly raised their banners, claiming that the election was less a victory for democracy and more a sham worthy of the Soviet-era theatrics. They describe this coup de milieu as a “blow to the country’s European aspirations” while suggesting that Georgia’s new strategy may involve more pirouettes on the political stage than actual policy reform. In a stunning display of loyalty to his former coach, Goeltsishvili has promised to lead Georgia into uncharted territory but seemed a bit vague about whether that means closer ties with Europe or an amateur league in Tbilisi. "I just want to bring the same passion I had on the field into the political arena," he declared, "after all, the only difference is the size of the ball and the intensity of the referee's whistle." The cheering crowds greeted the election results with mixed emotions, including lingering confusion and a newly-found desire for all-staff pizza parties. "We're excited for the new president!" exclaimed a fan wearing a jersey with Goeltsishvili's name on the back, "if he can lead us to victory on the pitch, who’s to say he can't manage a pretty important political score, too?" As the ruling party solidifies its position, analysts predict that any attempts to garner affection from Western Europe will likely be on par with a fumbled penalty kick—awkward and ultimately unsatisfying. Meanwhile, Russian officials have been seen high-fiving in celebration as they resume their historical role as Georgia’s neighbor and occasional referee—penalty cards in hand, of course. Only time will tell if Goeltsishvili can turn his dribbling skills on the field into deft maneuvering in the political arena. But one thing is for sure: as the soccer ball rolls out of play, the political game in Georgia has only just begun, and fans everywhere are left wondering if they’ve been sidetracked from the real match or if this is merely a warm-up for the main event.