In a shocking turn of events that could only be described as “par for the course,” federal funds earmarked for struggling small farms in New York have mysteriously evaporated faster than the state’s beloved bagels disappear during brunch hour. Small-scale farmers, once buoyed by the glimmering promise of support, now watch helplessly as their crops wilt in the summer sun—much like their hope for government aid. The funding, which was part of a vague and overly complex federal initiative titled “Sow It to Grow It,” has reportedly been redirected to more pressing concerns—like a lavish cocktail party in Washington, D.C. featuring organic quinoa canapés and artisanal goat cheese, which, let’s be honest, is way more important than sustaining actual livelihoods. Local farmer and self-appointed spokesperson for the despondent, Bill GreenThumb, expressed his disappointment, saying, “I can’t believe the government thought funding for fancy hors d'oeuvres was more critical than my heirloom tomatoes. I mean, who needs food security when you can have a ‘quirky’ menu for the elite?” The irony is not lost on anyone. As small farmers suppress tears amid wilting greens, government officials have been surprisingly candid about their priorities. During a recent press conference, a spokesperson for the Department of Agriculture stated, “While we sympathize with the plight of local farmers, it’s essential to focus on stimulating the economic growth of our nation’s fine dining establishments. After all, a robust restaurant scene means more tax revenue for us to misplace!” Meanwhile, New York City chefs have banded together to form a “Save the Artisan” campaign, ensuring that upscale eateries remain well-stocked with locally-sourced avocados. “We can’t let these small farms die out completely,” Chef Fresh Squeeze declared while pushing a $25 smoothie special. “What will we do without Instagrammable fruits for our next food photo shoot? Just think of the aesthetic disaster!” As small farms crumble one tomato at a time, innovative solutions are being proposed. Some upwardly mobile New Yorkers are considering investing in “Farm-to-Table Delivery Kits,” where city slickers can grow their own herbs in their high-rises, ensuring the urbanite experience of farm life without the pesky reality of actual dirt or toil. “The only thing organic about farming is the hashtag,” mused one exposed-brick-enthusiast living in a studio apartment. It appears that federal funds drying up has become the new normal, much like the taste of subpar organic lettuce—an unfortunate reality everyone is forced to accept. As small farmers continue to wither on the vine, the federal government is undoubtedly keeping busy, likely brainstorming ways to funnel additional resources into a new luxury line of “Farm-Inspired” perfumes and candles. As the sun sets on the green fields of New York, one thing is for certain: the only thing more resilient than the small farms is the government’s unwavering ability to ignore them altogether.