In a groundbreaking decision that’s shaking the very foundation of your cold medicine aisle, the FDA has bestowed the title of “Placebo Hero” upon the long-controversial drug phenylephrine. With the enthusiasm of a kid unwrapping a half-eaten candy bar, U.S. officials have concluded that this decongestant is as effective as, well, a sugar pill. “After years of scientific inquiry and minimal actual relief from nasal congestion, it’s time to face the facts,” stated a jubilant FDA spokesperson. “Phenylephrine just doesn’t work. We’re officially declaring it the placebo champion of cold remedies. Take that, science!” The announcement comes after extensive research revealed that phenylephrine is better at sitting on pharmacy shelves than it is at clearing stuffed noses. Users of over-the-counter giants such as Sudafed and Dayquil have long been suspicious, reporting that they felt just as congested after popping phenylephrine pills as they did before, making them question if they were merely paying for fancy packaging and wishful thinking. “I thought I was just being dramatic,” said Linda Noseworthy, a longtime phenylephrine enthusiast. “But I finally realized that I was just buying a glorified Tic Tac every time I reached for that green box. I could have saved so much money with regular ol’ saltwater!” In a revolutionary move to combat the ensuing nasal apocalypse, the FDA plans to phase out phenylephrine in pill and liquid form, instead suggesting people literally sniff their way to relief with a saltwater solution—because, you know, nothing says ‘sick day’ like homemade saline. Pharmacists are advising people to stock up on the actual effective decongestants. “If you’re still using phenylephrine, you might as well head to the candy aisle and grab some jelly beans,” quipped one pharmacist. “At least they won’t leave you feeling underwhelmed.” Meanwhile, producers of natural remedies are gearing up for a surge in business. Herbal tea companies are reporting record sales as consumers flock to anything that actually promises to soothe a sore throat or clear those pesky sinuses. “We knew phenylephrine wasn’t the answer,” said a spokesperson for the local chamomile tea producers. “What were people thinking? Drinking a placebo instead of our soothing brew? That’s a crisis for sure.” As the cold and cough aisle braces for new products that genuinely help relieve symptoms, experts are warning the public about the dangers of misguided hope. “This is a wake-up call,” stated one frustrated scientist. “Next time you’re feeling sniffly, please remember that just because something is on the shelf doesn’t mean it should actually be there.” So, as winter looms and the cold season approaches, remember to ditch the “Placebo Hero” in favor of something that works. Just be prepared to ignore the many marketing claims that come with your next cold remedy. You might want to stick to what your grandma would have told you: a hot drink, a blanket, and a healthy dose of avoiding public places until your sniffles vanish.