In a groundbreaking move that has left environmentalists dumbfounded, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has officially decided to cut all grants related to the tracking of construction emissions. In a statement that clearly reflects their newfound commitment to unencumbered construction, agency officials noted that they are significantly more invested in concrete sidewalks than in pesky little things like air quality and climate change. “Why monitor emissions when we can pour more concrete?” said an anonymous EPA spokesperson, who also expressed a deep admiration for the smell of fresh asphalt. This bold decision signals a refreshing shift away from the repetitive drudgery of data collection towards the thrilling and unpredictably wild world of bulldozers and jackhammers. The EPA has long been plagued by the outdated notion that tracking emissions could lead to policy changes that might, in turn, actually reduce them. In response to increasing calls for accountability, agency officials have decided that ignorance is truly bliss. “If we don’t track it, how can we be held responsible for it?” another source quipped, while flipping through a glossy brochure on the joys of urban development. “There’s a new trend in town: construction without conscience! Who needs to worry about emissions when you’ve got skyscrapers to build and profits to reap?” declared an enthusiastic construction executive, high-fiving his colleagues over plans for an enormous shopping mall, complete with its very own parking lot large enough to accommodate a small country. Environmental organizations, which apparently still operate under the delusion that emissions might matter, have expressed outrage over the EPA’s decision. “This is a catastrophic step backward for climate science!” lamented a local activist, pushing back a stream of frustration while clutching a reusable tote bag. “We didn’t think they could actually take a step backward this far!” But the EPA has reassured everyone that they aren’t completely abandoning their role as environmental overseer. In fact, they’ve taken a keen interest in streamlining their operations to focus more on uplifting local economies and creating jobs in construction, which, they argue, have been grossly neglected. Just imagine the exhilarating economic thrill of rampant construction, where the only fumes people need worry about are from all the barbecue grills getting fired up at the new housing developments! Meanwhile, with the EPA’s new policy in place, municipalities across the country will experience an unprecedented boom in building projects. With no data on pollution to curtail them, construction crews are preparing to unleash all of their pent-up energy, excitedly hammering away as if they were children let loose in a candy store. Wall-to-wall construction without emissions monitoring has also created an unexpected coalition of supporters, including corporate lobbyists, local government officials, and, of course, the cast of the latest disaster movie about environmental collapse. “We’re just giving the people what they want!” one thrilled lobbyist exclaimed, explaining how cutting regulations is viewed by some as a patriotic duty. While these developments might be met with eye rolls from the scientific community, they will undoubtedly pave the way for a new era of unregulated exuberance in construction. After all, who needs clean air when you can have new buildings and an economy on the rise? With the EPA’s cutting-edge strategy of looking the other way, the sky is the limit—so long as emissions aren’t counted.