In a shocking turn of events, the European Central Bank (ECB) is poised to slice interest rates again, this time claiming it’s not just a cut but a “slashing.” In an exclusive behind-the-scenes report, ECB officials were found rummaging through the corners of their plush headquarters in Frankfurt, desperately searching beneath couch cushions for spare change to allocate for the economy. Sources close to the ECB have indicated that the central bank “hasn’t seen this kind of coin hunt since 2012," as the institution aims to distract from persistent economic woes by claiming that “inflation is fading faster than your New Year’s resolutions.” With growth looking as grim as a Monday morning, officials have reportedly embraced a new motto: “Less is more, especially when it comes to money.” Economists, scratching their heads, speculate that the ECB will not only lower borrowing costs on Thursday but also keep the option for further policy easing wide open, much like the door to a discount bakery on a BOGO pastry day. The organization now stands resolutely on the belief that “pretending everything is fine works better than actually fixing anything.” While last year’s four rate cuts sent financial shockwaves that empowered anyone with a savings account to become an accidental day trader, the forthcoming three to four cuts expected in 2025 are said to be less about stimulating growth and more about soothing financial anxieties. In fact, insiders revealed that many discussions have revolved around whether it’s time to just replace interest rates with “Feel Good Funds” that promise warm feelings and hot chocolate instead. As the euro zone grapples with underwhelming growth, many employees at the ECB have taken to popping bubble wrap during meetings—plastic bubbles providing a more satisfying escape than low inflation numbers or a crashing economy. “It’s therapeutic,” one official remarked, “instead of facing reality, we just pop endless bubble wrap and pretend it’s champagne corks celebrating economic recovery.” Critics have already begun to theorize that the upcoming rate cuts will result in people finding miraculous sums of money buried in their sofas, leading to a new national pastime of searching for “hidden wealth” in every nook and cranny. In some circles, there’s hope that this newfound level of resourcefulness will transform the euro zone's economy faster than you can say “quantitative easing.” As Thursday approaches, the ECB is expected to continue reassuring the public that everything will be fine, as long as they are willing to numb their financial woes with enough bubble wrap and maybe a few unconventional economic strategies. One thing is for certain: the hunt for spare change is on, and it may just become the newest sport of the season.