Denmark has officially announced a historic $2 billion boost to its military presence in the Arctic, promptly coinciding with the news that President Trump still thinks Greenland is just one big real estate deal waiting to happen. Little did anyone know, his whimsical desire to buy the island would spark a full-blown arms race in one of the world’s coldest regions. During a press conference, Denmark's Minister of Defence Troels Lund Poulsen stood alongside Greenland's Minister of Foreign Affairs Vivian Motzfeldt. They proudly presented a Defense Agreement that was probably written in crayon after too many cups of coffee and a heated debate over who has the best pastries – a pressing matter, given the icy tensions brewing. “Forget about global warming; we’re thawing into a new age of military readiness!” Poulsen proclaimed as he waved a shiny toy fighter jet. “You see, if we can’t buy Greenland, we can at least defend it from hypothetical penguin invasions or rogue Santa Clauses.” Motzfeldt, who was clearly trying to field questions while suppressing giggles, added, “Let’s be real, this investment is all about ensuring we have enough military might to protect our icebergs. They may not be land, but you don’t want to lose an iceberg to a poorly timed game of catch.” The decision to ramp up military expenditures was initially met with confusion. “I thought Greenland was just a really big refrigerator,” one Danish citizen remarked. “Why do we need to defend it from things like, I don’t know, people turning it into a resort?” Denmark plans to invest in equipment that can withstand freezing temperatures, including military snowmobiles capable of holding an impressive 30 cases of Copenhagen pastries, should a snack break be necessary amidst all the strategic maneuvers. Meanwhile, President Trump, catching wind of Denmark's military grandstanding, reportedly tweeted, “Denmark should be constructing golf courses, not tanks. It’s about time Greenland was put to better use. Who needs a military when you could have a Marriott?” As the Arctic becomes the new playground for global superpowers, Denmark is taking every precaution. “We’re not just defending our territory; we’re making sure that our national pride does not melt away like an ice cap in July,” Poulsen added, flexing his bicep in a show of strength that, in all fairness, could use a little more protein in its diet. In response to Greenland's newfound status as a potential military hotspot, neighboring countries have begun to take notice. “If Denmark is arming up, then so are we,” shouted a bemused Icelandic delegate, “Although we’re sticking to non-existent battleships made of ice cream. They might melt, but they taste great.” As the dust settles, the world can’t help but wonder: will the Arctic become a battleground for whimsical ambitions, or will it finally just get the spa day it so desperately needs? Only time, and desperate social media posts from a former president, will tell.