In a highly anticipated showdown that can only be described as the Olympic Games of Ethical Dilemmas, the 2024 presidential candidates faced off in a debate so heated, it could have powered a small city. The main topic? Climate change, naturally, because nothing says “Let’s save the planet” like a room full of politicians flying in on private jets. The candidates took turns presenting their meticulously crafted talking points, which were clearly whitewashed by the energy lobbyists they’ve been schmoozing with for months. First up was the environment’s biggest frenemy, the former oil company executive. “I believe in clean energy,” he proclaimed, momentarily choking on an organic kale chip that magically appeared in his hand. “And by clean energy, I mean cleaner oil.” Next was the perennial favorite, the socialist who wants to dismantle the entire capitalist structure while proposing a sweeping new tax on carbon… emitted by his opponents’ reputations. “I’ll raise taxes to save the oceans!” he bellowed, all while clutching a coffee cup made from highly questionable biodegradable materials, which definitely weren’t sourced from a 12-step supply chain that included artisanal artisans in the middle of a forest. Then came the climate activist masquerading as a candidate, wielding emotional appeals like they were knives in a bar fight. “How dare you ignore the science!” she yelled at the audience, her voice echoing like a hipster in a coffee shop denouncing mass-produced coffee. The crowd responded with raucous applause, swiftly followed by dragging their feet to the nearest steakhouse afterward, because the only science they believed in was that of delicious meat. The incumbent president, who had accidentally walked in thinking it was a fundraising gala, gave a gripping testimony about how he once recycled a plastic bottle and was rewarded with a gold star sticker. “We need to act now!” he shouted, before promptly forgetting the name of his own climate policy, muttering about “the thing you do to fix the Earth” before dismissively waving to the audience as if they were some pesky fly. As the debate wrapped up, candidates participated in a round of “Let’s Applaud Each Other’s Mediocrity,” praised by party loyalists who promised more of the same half-hearted gestures while conveniently ignoring the small print that unraveled any actual progress. And just like that, a night meant to unravel complexities regarding our planet’s future ended up being a dazzling spectacle of theatrical displays, empty platitudes, and promises that could not fill a single coal mine—if they even wanted to. The world remains on fire, but at least the candidates found a way to pass the popcorn amidst the flames.