In an unprecedented move that has left environmentalists scratching their heads and Wall Street investors grinning from ear to ear, the U.S. government announced it will be softening regulations related to climate change. In the spirit of full transparency—because who doesn’t love a good set of loopholes?—the new measures are being heralded as a groundbreaking approach to balancing ecological disaster with shareholder profits. After all, what's a little climate chaos compared to healthy quarterly returns? Under this exciting new directive, Wall Street's elite have been given the green light to accelerate fossil fuel extraction while still featuring retrofitted solar panels on their penthouse rooftops. “It’s all about perception,” stated an unnamed hedge fund manager as he clutched a pint of artisanal avocado toast. “We can exploit the Earth for every cent she’s worth while continuing to throw some cash towards trendy climate initiatives — that way, we pocket the profits while looking fabulous doing it!” The financial markets are already buzzing with excitement, with analysts predicting stocks in coal, gas, and oil companies to soar higher than the carbon emissions they produce. “The volatility is just too delicious,” said a financial analyst, twirling a monocle in delight. “It’s like investing in a game of Jenga where the pieces are made of both climate regulations and future generations’ hopes!” In a stunning demonstration of "cooperation" between businessmen and lawmakers, lobbyists have wildly celebrated the new regulations by throwing a lavish masquerade ball themed around “profit and peril.” Guests arrived costumed as polar bears and melting glaciers, sipping champagne while dancing atop an elaborate replica of the Earth, completely ignoring the unsettling fact that they were doing so atop a model made from synthetic plastic. Irony never tasted so sweet! In an equally bold move, the government unveiled a new suite of “flexible regulations” that essentially invite companies to engage in “creative accounting” when it comes to environmental impacts. “Why should companies have to adhere to stringent reporting regulations when they can simply employ some sharp, young minds to engineer a few flashy reports?” one lawmaker quipped, rubbing his hands together like a villain in a classic cartoon. As companies frantically rebrand themselves as "green warriors" while engaging in a full-scale environmental onslaught, the public can look forward to a dizzying array of commercials featuring nature trails, clean wind turbines, and the solemn visage of a mother holding her child–as if to say, “We care! Now buy our stock!” Analysts say that soon the hottest financial trend will be “eco-guilt investing,” where consumers can invest in companies that make them feel better about their carbon footprint without actually affecting it. “You get to feel good while the shareholders laugh all the way to the bank. What could be better?” an eco-tech entrepreneur smugly proclaimed, while attempting to roll a smoke outside a corporate strategy meeting. As we brace ourselves for the impending chaos, it seems investors have everything under control—at least for now. With market volatility predicted to spike, many financial gurus recommend making a little room on your investment portfolio for companies promising “sustainable destruction.” Because if the planet’s going down, you might as well enjoy the ride — or at least make a handsome profit while doing so.