In a shocking revelation that some might call “the air we breathe,” a panel of leading experts has boldly asserted that clean air and water are nothing more than frivolous luxuries in the quest for the true American Dream. According to a groundbreaking study funded by the “World's Biggest Polluters Coalition,” these fundamental resources are just unnecessary additions that distract from more serious aspirations, like huge SUVs and backyard barbecues. “Who needs clean air when you can have the sweet smell of freedom wafting from a 12-cylinder engine?” exclaimed Dr. Ray P. Cheyne, a prominent sociologist specializing in the impacts of hotdogs on societal norms. “And water? Please! Just pop open a can of soda and embrace the ‘effervescence’ of life.” The panel concluded that chasing after clean water and breathable air is simply an elitist fantasy perpetuated by those with too much time on their hands—environmentalists, tree-huggers, and all those overzealous people who think that drinking pure water is somehow better for your health. “Water should taste like what it is,” Dr. Cheyne added, gesturing dramatically. “Liquid, sugary something!” Meanwhile, reports are flooding in from hastily prepared focus groups. Participants unanimously agreed that clinking bottles of craft beer are far more satisfying than quenching their thirst with distilled, purified water. “I don’t get it. Do I want to drink water or chug my favorite IPA? A no-brainer!” chimed in Becky R. Lax, a homebrewing enthusiast. The consensus among the group suggests that living in a haze of smog is a small price to pay for the expansion of highways lined with fast-food joints. “Look,” said Tom P. Lot, a self-proclaimed ‘American Dreamer’ with a penchant for oversized billboards and flaming hot Cheetos. “This is America! We have the right to choose the crappiest air and dirtiest water if it means I can drive my truck to my local taco stand.” Adding salt to the wound, the panel also acknowledged that all those additional regulations on pollution—like the Clean Air Act and the Clean Water Act—are mere bureaucratic nuisances impeding the American spirit of innovation. “If you can’t spew something toxic into the atmosphere, are you really living life to its fullest?” asked Dr. P. Cheyne, sparkles of defiance radiating from his eyes like particles of dust in a sunbeam. According to the experts, who have yet to receive a single critique from the industry, the goal of attaining clean air and water is simply the latest trend in what they’ve dubbed “Wellness Culture.” “We’ve moved beyond simple survival,” Dr. Cheyne declared. “Now, it’s all about finding creative ways to avoid any actual responsibility. The true American Dream lies in our ability to ignore fundamental needs while chasing after something that has no real value: ‘Influencer Status.’” And so, as the country gears up for yet another election cycle, voters can rest assured that, while clean air and water may technically fall under the category of “needs,” they will remain relegated to the backseat as more pressing issues continue to emerge, like the surge of artisanal avocado toast and influencer participation in various yoga challenges. In conclusion, experts encourage everyone to take a deep breath of what’s available and fill up their glasses with whatever they can get their hands on. After all, striving for the true American Dream has never tasted so “sweet.”