In a move to rival Noah’s flood in scale, ineptitude and spectacle, the UK government has announced today that it would be casting off the cumbersome shackles of environmental regulation post-Brexit. As Britain strides confidently into the future with the same hunger and wisdom as a balding mid-life crisis victim rushing to buy a Ferrari, it now seems that our nation's vital ecosystems may be given into the prudish and caring hands of corporate hyenas. Prime Minister Boris Johnson, a man whose environmental credentials include bicycling in public and waving at cows, has apparently decided that air quality, landfill concerns and the ceaseless cry of endangered wildlife are no match for the gleam and glisten of good old British profit. Johnson, who some cynically suspect views trees largely as potential paper sources for books about himself, has brushed aside the strident concerns of ecologists, urging the country to "look at the bigger picture." Asthmatics across the nation wheezed in agreement. The Department for Exiting the Environment – DEXIT, for the bureaucratically-minded sadists – has suggested that the move could open new trade opportunities with countries renowned for their environmental consciousness, such as Mars and Middle Earth. A dry cough away from the crumbling establishment, a group of City experts, known colloquially among financiers as the 'Grim Reapers of the Rainforest,' lead the charge for deregulation. It's a trend these titans of industry are quick to remind us, is as British as a cup of tea brewed in the toxic leaking waste of a forgotten coal mine. Yes, Britain is, after all, the very same nation that pioneered environmental responsibility with such initiatives as the industrial revolution. Opponents to the move have been swiftly silenced, their pleas drowned out by the rhythmic thump of a pile driver in a nearby wetland or the triplet notes of an incoming Amazon delivery of a 72-pack of plastic water bottles. The cries of 'short-sightedness' and 'disaster' are no match for the prospect of transforming the UK into what some are affectionately dubbing the 'Wild West of Waste.' Yet, all hope is not lost. In a recently leaked exchange between government officials, a plan was revealed for tackling rising sea levels. It seems we could all be issued scuba gear and gills, or if budget permits, a premium package that includes a private dolphin guide and a personalised underwater post-apocalyptic bunker. While some might scoff at the notion of kissing environmental safeguards goodbye in an era of accelerating climate change, we Britains have always been a brave lot. After all, Johnson may be promising us all a Ferrari-style future, but no one ever mentioned what colour the sky might be...or whether we’ll have to wear gas masks to enjoy it.