In a groundbreaking decision celebrated by turbulence enthusiasts worldwide, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has officially upgraded turbulence to the rank of "First Class Experience," promising that each passenger will enjoy a complimentary dose of air-shaking excitement on every flight. This unprecedented initiative has been hailed as a “revolutionary leap forward” in the in-flight experience, ensuring that travelers will never have to endure dull, uneventful flights again. Airlines across the nation are enthusiastically embracing the policy. “We’ve tallied our customer feedback, and it turns out that passengers are craving more adrenaline in the sky. Who wants a smooth ride when you can browse through your in-flight magazine while experiencing the thrill of minor convulsions?” said Greg Upset, CEO of Altitude Airways, while rocking back and forth to mimic turbulence. “Every bump is now an opportunity! The sky is our amusement park.” As part of the turbulence promotion package, airlines will be rolling out special "Turbulence Tiers" for every flight. Passengers will soon be able to select their desired level of turbulence: Light Bump, Moderate Jolt, and the exclusive, limited-edition Category 5 Cutie, which promises to leave you grip the seat in a state of sheer terror and excitement. Those keen on elevating their experience can upgrade to "Extreme Turbulence," where unexpected plummets and aerial flips are standard. To keep the fun rolling, flight attendants will now include turbulence indicators on their service carts. “Beverage services will occur during designated turbulence periods,” explained a company memo. “Remember, if you hear ‘Fasten Your Seatbelts,’ it means they’ve just run out of cups to serve you coffee—so hold on tight!” Despite the joyous announcement, some critics remain skeptical. A coalition representing anxious travelers has voiced concerns that in-flight turbulence might not be the best way to promote passenger satisfaction. “As someone who believes that flying shouldn’t feel like a ride at a carnival, I’m not thrilled,” complained Martha Lightweight, a long-time frequent flier. “I just want to get to my destination, not audition to be a stunt pilot.” In a further nod to this thrilling new direction, airlines will also deploy "Turbulence Coaches"—trained professionals who will teach passengers how to ‘embrace the shake.’ These coaches will guide nervous fliers through mindfulness techniques specifically catered to unexpected rattling and flipping. “You can find calm in the chaos. Keep your seatbelt fastened and breathe through the uncertainty—remember, it’s just turbulence becoming a trend!” they’ll be saying, while the plane lurches unexpectedly. So buckle up, folks! Your next flight is no longer a mere trip across the skies. It’s a sky-high rollercoaster that promises to leave you gripping your armrest with a cocktail of fear and thrill. Who said airports were boring? Renowned for their mediocrity, flights are now the newest theme park experience—just be sure to check the turbulence forecast before you book your ride!