In a story as old as time—or at least as old as cryptocurrency—New York’s affluent Bitcoin barons have found themselves in an increasingly high-stakes battle against the indefatigable but largely ignored local residents who just want to keep the lights on and the heat in their homes. As the Bitcoin craze surged, so too did the demands for energy to power those flashy mining operations, but that didn’t stop these digital goldscouts from treating the local populace as mere collateral damage on their way to becoming barons of the blockchain. In a stunning twist of irony, it turns out that the very same folks who rallied behind the “unabashed freedom” of cryptocurrency are now fighting tooth and nail against the freedom of average New Yorkers to afford their electric bills. Local resident Doris McIntosh, who has lived in her modest Brooklyn apartment for 42 years, expressed concern over the bitcoin-fueled energy crisis. “I just want to be able to cook my famous lasagna without worrying about blackouts. Who knew mining for non-physical coins would be affecting my physical kitchen?” she lamented, stirring her sauce over a candle because the grid was down yet again. This is a reality many on the ground are facing as power demands spiral out of control. But remember, it’s all in service of “innovation,” which is code for “who really cares about power outages when you're raking in digital millions?” Meanwhile, the Bitcoin barons have adopted a new marketing slogan: “Let There Be Light—For Us!” which they use to justify their lavish energy consumption. These industry titans even launched a viral social media campaign where they flaunt their extravagant lifestyles right alongside the hashtags #HODLYourElectricity and #MiningIsMoreImportantThanMoms. Their glittering images of candle-lit dinners and grandfather clocks running backward are juxtaposed against the backdrop of blackouts, creating a striking visual narrative of the new wealth disparity: the rich cluster around their screens chuckling about their “mining farms” while the rest are left to literally “farm” for light switches. The local authorities, bless their hearts, are attempting to mediate the situation by introducing energy conservation programs, which the miners promptly dismissed as “anti-progressive drivel” designed to hinder their quest for digital dominance. In a strategic pivot, the local government is now offering incentives for residents who can “guest mine”—a sort of Airbnb for energy—but only if they can do so in the brief moments when their power isn’t flickering. The irony seems lost on all parties involved. “Why go through all that hassle?” declares Bitcoin enthusiast and self-proclaimed energy guru Chad “CryptoKing” Thompson, sipping a kale smoothie in his 10,000 square-foot Manhattan penthouse. “Our blockchain can save the world! Well, our version of it, anyway.” His hair glints with an almost ethereal glow as he posts on social media about how mining is doing wonders for the “little guy”—defining “little” as those with at least $10,000 to invest in, of course. As the riches continue to accumulate at one end of town, the other half wrestles with cluttered streets lined with eviction notices, which have in some way become a sort of modern art display in the ongoing saga of Bitcoin versus humanity. Local artist Banksy, who was last spotted just a block away from a newly-erected sign declaring “Bitcoin Jobs Are the Future,” listened to the residents’ plight and promptly suggested a collaboration. He’s now working on a mural that depicts a Bitcoin miner hoarding dollar bills while trampling on a “For Rent” sign. In a twist of fate, allegations have arisen that Bitcoin barons are now working on a project dubbed “PhilanthroCoin,” designed to create an illusion of benevolence by funneling a fraction of their mined profits back into the community—namely, to install emotional support animals at power plants to help residents cope with the upcoming winter season. So, as the power struggle rages on in New York’s energy wars, one thing is abundantly clear: in a city that thrives on an unbeatable hustle, it’s always the local lives that end up footing the electric bill for the Bitcoin barons’ high-stakes game. When the power finally returns, let’s all take a moment to appreciate both ends of the spectrum—a shining beacon of hope amid the flickering lights.