In a stunning display of modern-day doublethink, major oil companies have announced their latest initiative: a bold lobbying effort to support climate agreements while simultaneously expanding their drilling operations. “We like to think of ourselves as the real-life superheroes of the planet,” announced Rex Gusher, CEO of CrudeCo, at a press conference held in a lavish penthouse overlooking the city’s skyline. “By drilling for oil, we’re actually creating a foundation for a cleaner, greener world. Who else can promise you a future powered by fossil fuels and renewable energy—in the same breath?” The event featured an extravagant multimedia presentation that juxtaposed images of oil rigs with lush landscapes, prompting applause from shareholders in attendance. Gusher proudly declared, “Why jeopardize profits with mere environmentalism? Instead, we advocate for the planet while simultaneously drilling for it!” Gusher went on to introduce their exciting new motto, “Drill Now, Save the Planet Later!” Complete with a logo featuring a happy polar bear sipping oil, the tagline has already gone viral on social media. Industry analysts were quick to praise CrudeCo's philosophy. One expert explained that the oil giants have really found their groove. “By pouring significant sums into lobbying for climate frameworks while investing in far-right political candidates, they’ve effectively cornered the market on hypocrisy,” said Max Duplicity, a political scientist. “It’s quite genius, really. They’re making so much money while pretending to care!” Of course, environmentalists were skeptical. “It’s clear this is merely a strategic ploy to maintain profits in a changing market,” said Tara Earthsong, spokesperson for GreenWatchers, a nonprofit dedicated to promoting sustainable energy. “But we’re optimistic! A dragon in sheep’s clothing is still a dragon after all.” Earthsong noted with glee that the spiraling carbon emissions from new drilling initiatives are sure to spark public outrage—especially heading into the next election cycle. Meanwhile, Congress looked on with bemusement as oil lobbyists flooded the Capital with hastily scribbled proposals that read like a kid's science project — complete with glitter glue and “toxic is the new green” slogans. Insiders hint that key lawmakers are already drafting enforcement loopholes that will allow for “sustainable drilling,” claiming that the oil extracted will be “offset” by the tree-hugging dreams of the green movement. As they finalize negotiations on a new climate agreement that includes provisions for increased oil drilling, politicians are rallying behind the “drain and sustain” movement. “We’ve got to keep the economy going, folks!” exclaimed Senator Honor Bux, who recently accepted a six-figure donation from one of the oil giants. “Fossil fuels may be the past, but let’s face it—there’s a reason they’re still popular! It’s like being both a fan of your favorite classic rock band and the new-age folk artist—they both take you back to a simpler time!” With ambitions to expand drilling into protected wildlife areas, oil companies are betting on public amnesia and the cyclical nature of climate disaster. After all, the last global catastrophe was just a blip on the radar. “People forget quickly,” Gusher quipped. “And when they’re filled with the despair of long gas lines, they’ll remember whose pockets they’ll need to line to get back to normal.” The companies are now launching a PR blitz, promising to invest “in the future” as they actively plunder the present. “It’s all part of the plan,” Gusher stated confidently. “Consumables like oil are part of humanity’s evolution. If Mother Nature doesn't want another round, she should have invested in solar years ago!” As the oil-and-climate circus rolls into town, it’s clear that the greatest act is yet to come: a dazzling performance where the audience cheers for the oil giants while clinging to the hope that some day, real change will come—just in time for the next major drilling project in the works.