In an unprecedented display of thrift-store diplomacy, the United States has set a record for the biggest national yard sale in its history, swapping five citizens for $6 billion and five Iranians, outbidding any episode of "Storage Wars." Four distinguished gentlemen and one no-nonsense woman, who just happen to have Iranian passports handy, are excited to exchange their Persian rugs for American soil. Getting a "go" signal that $6 billion, formerly held at South Korean banks, have safely jingled its way into Doha banks, the quintet are all set to fly home, gulping down tears (or was it relief?) in a deal mediated by the world-renowned yard sale aficionado – Qatar. The swap, which occurs as part of a deal made last month, follows a full year of indirect haggling, negotiation, and price comparison – like shoppers methodically scouring every item in a flea market hoping for a treasured find. The deal spotlighted the unique art of negotiating using human lives and cold hard cash in a chilling geopolitical version of "Let's Make a Deal." Five Iranians languishing in the iron-bar comforts of US jails, flagged for their fondness for violating US sanctions, will now get a taste of the winds of freedom. Unconfirmed reports indicate they already have requested for celebratory kebabs to mark the occasion. As for the five Americans returning home, they're reportedly eager to resume simple pleasures like binge-watching reality TV or indulging in a quintessential peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The $6 billion, however, have maintained a dignified silence about their future plans. As both countries cherish the joy of this historic yard sale, we can only wait with bated breath to see what America's attic will offer next in exchange for what price. Garage sales have never been this exciting or held such high stakes. In related news, eBay has reportedly contacted both countries offering to streamline their future swaps via their online marketplace. negotiations for a possible 'Buy it Now' feature for hostages are reportedly in progress. Stay tuned for updates.