In a groundbreaking revelation that shook the world of academia to its core, a recently unearthed study has confirmed what everyone suspected all along: universities are more eager to pump fossil fuel cash than to promote climate truths. Researchers at the Institute of Academic Inconsistency (IAI) found that an overwhelming 92% of professors could be bought with just a few greasy bills and a promise of free coffee in the faculty lounge. In a press conference held in a dimly lit bunker beneath the campus library, IAI lead researcher Dr. Ima Scholar explained, “We initially thought academia was a bastion of truth and integrity. But after extensive research, we discovered that like a moth to a flame, scholars have an insatiable appetite for corporate funding. Who cares about melting ice caps when there are shiny lab equipment and expensive conference trips on the line?” The report, whimsically titled “Cash for Climates: Students, Start Chasing Dollars!” documented a shocking trend where departments specializing in environmental science were found to be the most susceptible. "The biology department was lured into a partnership with an oil giant after a particularly lavish pizza party," noted one grad student who managed to escape the intense allure of nacho cheese fountains and all-you-can-drink soda fountains. “I was just an intern, but even I knew the sea levels were rising, and they were going to need a lot more than just pepperoni slices to keep the truth under wraps.” As part of the study, researchers also discovered that the hiring of climate change skeptics was directly proportional to the amount of fossil fuel funding a university received. One such skeptic, Professor Reggie Regressor, declared in a recent lecture, “Climate change? More like climate shmane! What’s a little carbon in the atmosphere when you have a nice endowment?” Reports indicate that Professor Regressor's ‘Smog Awareness Week’ was sponsored by the Valvoline Oil Company, complete with free t-shirts and diminutive air quality monitors that somehow only registered “Excellent” readings. Critics of the fossil fuel-funded academic machine have called for stricter regulations. “We need transparency,” said an anonymous whistleblower, who declined to disclose their identity for fear of being blacklisted by peanut butter sandwich-packing oil magnates. “Students should know if their research is getting funded by the very cause they're supposed to fight against! What’s next? A climate change-denying department chair being awarded a lifetime supply of Hummers?” Meanwhile, the fixated focus on fossil fuel funding has spawned an entire new genre of academic literature. Titles such as "Petroleum Minded: How to Write Your Dissertation While Your World Burns," and "The Greener the Grease: A Student’s Guide to Selling Your Soul to the Highest Bidder" are quickly making their rounds on campus bestseller lists. In response to this burgeoning academic crisis, some universities are now offering minors in “Ethical Cashing” where students learn how to effectively juggle financial support and moral dilemmas. “It’s all about balance,” explained an enthusiastic professor who recently had a think tank sponsored by the Coal Miners Association. “If we can’t solve climate change, at least we can find a way to make a pretty penny off the whole mess.” As science and ethics battle it out in the ring of academia, it seems that the only thing going up faster than sea levels is the number of cash-stuffed envelopes on university campuses. For students thinking of a career in climate science, the moral of the story is clear: cash is king, and truth? Well, that’s just a funny thing that gets tossed around in faculty meetings.