Title: "An Armchair Guide to Becoming a Professional Couch Potato: Your Quest to Irresistible Sedentariness" The art of embracing an indolent lifestyle has been vastly underrated. From time immemorial, the health fanatics have been preaching the necessity of maintaining a 'balanced diet,' 'regular exercise,' 'adequate sleep,' and other such implausible expectations. However, we the couch connoisseurs defy these seemingly rigid norms by embracing sedentariness in its full glory. Thus, through this guide, we shall together embark on this titanic task of becoming consummate couch potatoes and enjoy unending reruns of Friends episodes without batting an eye. Step 1: Move as Little as Possible Becoming a full-time couch potato requires mastering the art of moving as little as possible. Why would you wish to move your frame when you can command your younger sibling or your trained pet to fetch stuff for you? Pro tip: A remote control caddy and a mini-fridge by the couch can significantly increase your laziness output. Step 2: Develop an Aversion to the Sunlight Vitamin D? Nah, it's a gimmick! You know all about those shady conspiracies around benefits of sunlight, right? Sunlight — the natural enemy of a seasoned couch potato. Curtains drawn, lights dimmed, TV brightness maxed. The optimal couch potato habitat! Step 3: Adopt the "Pajama Lifestyle" Bid farewell to formal wear — welcome pajamas 24/7. Jeans are now your worst enemy, sweatpants, your best friend. Celebrate diversity in pajamas — printed, flannel, onesies! A plushy pair of slippers completes the ensemble of a debonair couch potato. Step 4: Refine your Snacking Skills Starving yourselves on diets? Sorry, we do not endorse such self-inflicted cruelty here. While sitting for hours can build a robust appetite, ensure your snacking game is perpetually strong and just an arm away (preferably without moving your body much). Step 5: Embrace Competitive Binge-Watching With platforms like Netflix, Prime, Hulu, and more, competitive binge-watching is the best Olympic sport that's yet to be officially recognized. Display your commitment to finishing entire seasons in a single sitting, because to us, ‘go outdoors’ sounds fancy for ‘leave the couch.’ Remember, becoming a skilled couch potato doesn't happen overnight. Well, technically, it happens over many nights ... and days too. It's an arduous journey of renouncing physical activities and falling into a committed relationship with your couch. Once you have successfully completed these steps, there, my friend, you have reached the pinnacle of being gloriously inactive. P.S. - Consult a real doctor if you felt inspired by this satirical piece. This is a parody, meant to shine an alighting light on the issue of sedentary lifestyles, leading to a plethora of health problems. Healthy eating choices, along with a balanced amount of physical activity, is the way to go!