World News Network - Oct 17, 2022 CALAMITY CITY, Planet Earth – As the world plunges headlong into what experts are now calling "just another Monday," a powerful contingent of laser-focused climate activists are finally admitting that halting climate change might just be impossible because, let's face it, we're all completely doomed. "We figured that if we invent smart technologies, sign impressive accords, and shout real loud during our protests, we might stabilize the Earth's climate," said Josephine Fervent, founder of the campaign "In Hot Water." "But as it turns out, when you have billions of people living modern lives on an ever-warming planet, it's kinda tough to make a dent." Scientists have long warned about the melting polar ice caps, massive floods, extreme weather events, and loss of biodiversity, but now, they're scrambling to address the newest major threat: apathy-induced inertia, otherwise known as the "why bother, everything is garbage anyway, pass the remote" phenomenon. Dr. Archimedes Lethargius, a renowned akrasiaologist and adjunct professor at the University of Blasé has explained, "Once people realize that their efforts are futile and humanity's fate has become a runaway rollercoaster of doom, they tend to turn inwards, embracing hedonism and the Cult of Doomsday. We call it 'Noah's Arc Syndrome': The tendency to say 'screw it, let's just build an arc and bring sex robots for company.'" Curiously, this trend of accepting our doomed fate seems to be accelerating despite renewed efforts from climate activists and the apparent (though likely fabricated) success stories from various governments about reducing carbon emissions. "It's not a question of 'can we stop climate change?' anymore," explained Frieda Oblivion, founder of the well-known environmental pressure group "Going, Going, Gone". "It's more like, 'how many board games do you have, and did you bring any decent booze for the end of the world party?'" This defeatist attitude has caught on like wildfire across the globe, with a new aesthetic 'ApocalyptiChic' – or mixing upscale urban luxury with Mad Max-style elements – emerging as the next big thing in arts and culture. But worry not, citizens of Earth! Apparently, there's one last-ditch effort to save the remaining husk of our fragile home planet: rampant consumerism. A new ad campaign by the multinational conglomerate BuyN'Large emphasizes our collective ability to purchase our way out of doom. Showcasing their extensive line of biodegradable life preservers and environmentally-friendly sports utility vehicles, the company is hell-bent on persuading everyone to save the environment through stimulating retail therapy. "You can't fix the world with one big sale, but we could at least die near a trendy charging station for our renewable, AI-driven self-autonomous submarines or rocket skates," said Ronald Monstrous, BuyN'Large's Vice President of Vague Promises. Just remember, friends: as long as your final cocktail is made with organic, ethically-sourced fruits, you've already done more than enough to save our dying planet. Cheers!