Lumbridge, TX - In an era of intense environmental activism and scientific warnings about the consequences of global warming, a resolute group of locals in this small Texas town refuse to be bothered by the climate crisis. Brandishing a steely-eyed indifference towards the planet they're leaving for future generations, they have coined a new battle cry: "Who Needs Earth Anyway?" Some citizens are so weary of hearing about the pesky, now-tiresome issue of global warming that they’ve taken to extreme measures. Earl Simmons, the town librarian, started by banning books on climate change and sustainable living. "This ain't no left-wing eco-library," he spat, tossing yet another climate diatribe in the dumpster. "We're sick of the global warmin' nonsense scaring our kids. It's child abuse! Nothin’ ever happened to the Earth in the past thousands of years, why would it start now?" The town’s mayor, Kim A. Richardson III, has also thrown his support behind the climate contrarian community. At a recent town hall meeting, he shared an inspiring metaphor with Lumbridge's eco-worried citizens, encouraging them to view Earth not like a delicate organism in need of care but rather as a dying, left-on-life-support grandparent. "If the Earth wanted to 'thrive,' wouldn't it cough out the greenhouse gases through volcanoes or something?" asked Mayor Richardson. "At least that's what my gut feelings tell me." Local bar owner Kate Daniels has noticed her patrons increasingly tuning out discussions about the climate crisis. "Going on and on about going vegan and `carbon footprints to save the planet just ruins the vibe," she confides. "Besides we need our trucks dirty and our food fried around here." Lumbridge high school senior Dawson Mitchell proudly embraces the group's mantra. "I mean, their argument just makes sense to me. Space travel is so close these days so we'll like just move to Mars when Earth dies, right?" He smiles confidently, dipping his plastic straw back in his plastic-lid-covered, non-recyclable plastic coffee cup. Reports from the local weather station have shown that Lumbridge experienced record temperatures and wildfires previously unseen in the region. Despite this, the "Who Needs Earth Anyway" coalition remains steadfast in their denialism and public show of disinterest. Sources inside the group say they are currently preparing to launch an all-out offensive campaign against climate change zealots. Plans include a march featuring burning tire parades and a "Coal Barbecue Cook-Off" event with holiday discounts, as a way to thumb their noses at tree-hugging activists. We tried to get a statement from some of the youth-led climate activists often seen protesting around the town, but apparently, they were at the science fair, busy worrying about their futures.