In a shocking turn of events that’s left environmentalists gasping for air, Duke Energy—North Carolina's beloved coal-friendly giant—has announced its ambitious plan to exit the state’s climate commitments. This move has been described by insiders as “the most innovative retreat since the last 14 state governors simultaneously decided to go on a vacation to Cancun.” Duke Energy, in a bid to redefine the phrase “power play,” has unveiled a sleek new initiative dubbed “Project Unplug.” The company plans to unplug from its commitments to reduce greenhouse gas emissions faster than a teenager's Wi-Fi during a family movie night. The rationale? Climate change is “so last decade,” according to Duke’s spokesperson, who might also moonlight as an influencer after relocating to a solar-powered yurt in the mountains. Experts are puzzled and impressed by Duke’s unyielding commitment to fossil fuels, claiming it has reached levels of dedication typically reserved for cult leaders and Twilight superfans. “This is what true innovation looks like,” said a member of the Board of Directors while sipping on a single-origin mocha made from beans imported via gas-guzzling cargo ships. “Everyone’s so focused on renewables, but what about our old faithful? Coal is like plaid! Always in style if you know how to wear it right.” Environmental advocates are understandably upset, with one activist stating, “It’s like watching a school play where the star student decides to use stick figures instead of actual actors. Sure, it’s creative, but at the end of the day, everyone is just really confused.” Despite calls for a greener approach, Duke has assured residents that it will instead focus on “reviving” coal—the process of dressing it up in artisanal packaging and claiming it’s organic—while sprouting a few wind turbines in the back for optics. In a masterclass of mixed messaging, Duke has proposed hosting an annual “Coal Festival,” which will include activities like “Guess the Emission” and “Fossil Fuel Fashion Show.” As families gather to celebrate the joy of burning ancient organisms for energy, organizers say they hope to distract attendees from the science of climate change with live music, local beer, and seemingly endless barbecues, because nothing says “sustainability” quite like a big hunk of charred meat. As the Department of Environmental Quality scratches its head wondering how to handle Duke's brightly painted exit door from sustainability, Duke Energy reassures the public: “We’re committed to keeping the lights on, or at least flickering with the occasional coal sneeze.” For now, residents can rest easy knowing that while the planet slowly warms, they will always have Duke Energy to reliably keep their electric bills sky-high.