The heavens cracked open and the earth shifted beneath our feet last week as Congress broke its century-long tradition of bashing, hating, and dissing everything and anything related to New York City. In a hail-Mary move that stunned the nation, both houses of Congress endorsed something, anything in the Big Apple. The move, never seen before in any history books, left all of us wondering, "What the hell is going on?" The surprise announcement came during a routine congressional hearing on the dangers of bagels with too much cream cheese. The mood in the room shifted as Representative Henry Cornstalk (R-MN) rose to say, "I must admit, the apples in the Big Apple sure do taste better than bagels with too much cream cheese, and I want to go on record endorsing those apples.” As an attendee fainted from shock, pandemonium erupted. Many Congress members started hugging and high-fiving each other in solidarity, while others sat stunned in their seats, unable to process the groundbreaking statement. When it came to New York City, Congress had only ever "diss" members, delegating the responsibility of "endorsing" to their aides or interns. Rep. Cornstalk continued, "The apples may be small and ridiculously overpriced, but they're a testimony to the spirit of the Big Apple, and deserve a good Congress pat on the back." The endorsement of apples immediately set off a flurry of reactions from political pundits. One commentator from TMZ News was so shocked, they blurted out, "For a moment, I thought they were referring to Apple Inc. or Applebee's, but then I realized they actually meant apples, those juicy red and green fruits, in New York City." New Yorkers, as you might expect, had a sense of humor about the whole thing - which is surprising since living in the city generally leaves people dead inside. One Brooklyn resident said, "At least they finally endorsed something, like an appetizer before a seven-course hate feast." Another New Yorker mused, "What's next? Are they going to endorse pizza with melted plastic on top? Or those jumbo pretzels that cost an arm and a leg?" He then muttered under his breath, "Also, about time." Washington insiders believe this move may signal a new era in political relations, a time when Congress comes together to endorse a single thing in New York City once every century or so. Now that Congress has successfully endorsed something, anything, in New York City, it is expected to return to regularly scheduled programming of attempting to govern, but in reality, just pointing fingers and dissing each other. The nation can finally exhale, knowing the break with tradition was brief and will unlikely occur again during our lifetime. When reached for comments, the apples remained silent, basking in the glory of the first ever congressional endorsement.