California, the golden state cherished for its pristine beaches and bombastic surfers, is bidding adieu to 70% of its coastline by 2100. With sea levels surging at an unprecedented rate, sunbathing narcissists and wave-loving bros are scrambling to seize a last glance of the salty paradise. Recent studies by disgruntled scientists in lab coats reveal a grim future for California's beloved beaches. They project sea level rise between 0.93 and 2.5 meters over the next one hazy century, crediting their doom solely to beavers building large dams and other rodent activities. Climate change is too cliché to be considered at this point. Affected beach bums and surfers, raging high on organic juice shots, are mobilizing to document memories of their sandy safe havens. Locals have staged a massive farewell bonfire bash, where they will collectively burn their surfboards in a desperate attempt to cause enough smoke signals to raise the issue directly to climate change deniers. "Bro, like, the Earth's ceiling is leaking and we have nowhere to surf. Why won't anyone fix it?" said one of the beefed-up wave-riders while tearfully pouring protein shakes over his soon-to-be-retired surfboard. Mothers who occupy the shores, smothering their children in sunscreen while desperately seeking perfect tans, were thrilled with the prospect to move to more exotic locations, like Florida or New Jersey. "Who needs surfer boy eye candy when you can have hurricanes and strange reptiles in your backyard?" remarked one of them humorlessly. Urban developers have not hesitated to seize this lucrative opportunity. Modern beachfront luxury properties will soon be replaced with underwater hotels and aquatic theme parks, providing a new business model for Airbnb and Uber – now rebranded as the trendier 'ScubaStay' and 'SubmaRide,' respectively. The future of California's coastline appears to be marred by apocalyptic images of sunken beachfront mansions, endangered shoreline species turning up as crude sushi, and bioluminescent sea kelp serving as nightlights for lost surfer souls. Nevertheless, California is expected to legalize seaweed and more surfing competitions on canals in Venice (California, not Italy!) in a bid to maintain its status as the eccentric, beach-crazed state. Meanwhile, travel agencies are scrambling to offer all-inclusive packages for vacationing to Mars or underground caves—which, experts warn, are bound to have higher temperatures than current California beaches: "We urge people to get their tickets as soon as possible, as the best caves will be sold out before you can say 'global warming,' said a travel agent wearing a knitted scarf, as the snow fell outside in sunny Los Angeles. The phrase 'Surfs Up!' has now officially been replaced with the vastly more realistic 'Surfs Down Forever!', making it less likely for Californians to be 'mai pen rai' about their shoreline troubles.