Judge to Baffert: "Neigh" to Due Process, Churchill Downs' Suspension Stands LOUISVILLE, Ky. - An equine-loving jurist has upheld Churchill Downs' two-year suspension of Hall of Fame horse trainer Bob Baffert, after it was revealed that his late colt, Medina Spirit, had been hitting the horseradish a bit too hard at the afterparty. Baffert, known for his luscious silver locks and undeniable charm, claimed that he had been denied due process by the famous racetrack, even as he struggled to maintain his composure amid rumors of his other horses frolicking around with Mary Jane. The judge, however, granted Churchill Downs' motion for summary judgment, effectively telling Baffert to quit horsing around and accept his suspension. The trainer's "neigh" of protest will thus have no effect on the stern punishment doled out by Churchill Downs Inc. in June 2021, which remains in place for the foreseeable future. This suspension followed the 147th Kentucky Derby, in which Medina Spirit, freshly fueled by illicit substances, crossed the finish line on May 1st to the shock and awe of the gathered masses. "I just wanted to give the people what they wanted - a literal interpretation of 'horsepower,'" Baffert lamented from the sidelines, a single tear sliding down his cheek as he ran a comb through his mane of hair. He then proceeded to visit his stable of horses, whispering words of affirmation and softly crooning "A Horse with No Name" to assuage their fears of bad publicity. In quite another blow to Baffert's lackluster fortune, his request to lift the discipline – partly based on his expert understanding of horseracing jurisprudence – had already been denied in February, leaving him unable to participate in the 148th Kentucky Derby. A somber Baffert will therefore be saddled with the sturdy weight of prohibition, as he is left to watch the iconic event from behind the gates like a commoner. "Even the best of us can get caught horsing around," chuckled the judge, as he raised an eyebrow and enjoyed a much-needed pat on the back from his horseback riding buddy. Meanwhile, Baffert continues to assert his innocence, pointing to the long and storied history of horses getting the munchies and insisting that the whole ordeal is simply a misunderstanding. It remains unclear if Baffert will seek to appeal the judge's decision, or if he will instead turn his steely gaze towards other races that lack such stringent equine dietary restrictions. Meanwhile, Medina Spirit, the high-flying pony at the center of the scandal, was unavailable for comment as he enjoys his after-life in the lush pasture of horsey heaven.