Heaven on Wheels: Divine Praise Endorses Miracle Fridge Magnets & More! Jerusalem, The Holy City The Second Coming appears to have taken an unexpected turn as Jesus, the messiah, has returned, not by walking on water, but by operating a rolling Christian praise mega-store on wheels. The heavenly figure is leading the masses in song and dance while turning up the heat with an assortment of merchandise including t-shirts, bumper stickers, and of course, miracle fridge magnets. The divine chariot, a modified bus lovingly christened “Resurrectaroo,” was first spotted early Sunday morning parked outside the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. Jesus (pronounced Ha-soos, as informed by a beach towel inside the bus) is manning the counter, or perhaps, as some believe, acting as the bus driver of the souls of the faithful. The store, running on blessed holy water as fuel, has been traveling around the Holy City selling merchandise and facilitating sing-alongs. Among the popular items being sold are walking sticks, which double as a selfie stick, adorned with a convenient fish carving to guide your walk through the wilderness. The miracle fridge magnets undoubtedly are the most sought after memorabilia. They come with an added feature of refilling empty wine bottles in the fridge once a week, every Sunday to be exact. The “Resurrectaroo” also sells an assortment of Christian-themed foods, such as fish and bread, suitable for parties of 5,000 or more. Jesus is not only the cashier and the driver, but also the unofficial choir master. Divinely enthusiastic testimonials praise his teaching methods. "Before I met the big guy, I thought I was more tone-deaf than a giraffe with a sore throat," said one satisfied customer named Peter, who declined to give his last name. "Now, thanks to Jesus, I'm praising in harmony! And my fridge magnet collection is on point." Demonstrating his commitment to both environmental and spiritual awareness, a group of sycamore trees, possibly summoned by Jesus, followed the “Resurrectaroo” as it toured the city yesterday, offering shade and public Wi-Fi. Assisting him onboard are twelve dedicated sales associates who are not only enthusiastic about selling limited edition glow-in-the-dark “Son of God” wristbands but are a capable team of bakers, fishermen, and one tax collector. Jesus has shown a softer side, with kids receiving free “Heaven’s Little Helper” badges if they sing the hit single “I Want to Hold Your Hand, Jesus” in an angelic tone. Critics have claimed that this is nothing more than a gimmick designed to extract money from fervent believers; however, all money made from sales will be collected and donated to the “Love thy Neighbor Fund.” The fund has been set up to provide concerts and care packages for residents of Bethlehem and the suburbs of Jerusalem. Though the reception has been mixed, critics and believers alike have agreed on one thing: who wouldn't want their refrigerator to never run out of wine?