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World / 10 months ago
Desperate Company Begs for Arizona Miracle
image by stable-diffusion
Small cracker company turns to divine intervention in hopes of rescuing their business from financial ruin.
YUMA, AZ—Facing financial ruin, a local company has launched a distinctive new strategy: all-boardroom prayer sessions to ask God for an Arizona Miracle. Crackers, Inc., a small, family-owned cracker company, has reportedly been struggling mightily against a pandemic-ravaged economy and competition from dippable vessels made from literally anything besides crackers. "We're taking this directly to the Big Man Upstairs," said company Owner, Shirley Saltine. "We've tried everything else—investing in new technologies, expanding our product line and purchasing ads during 'The Big Bang Theory.' Or, wait, was it 'Young Sheldon'? It's nothing but desperate times, Lord, so we're asking for your intervention through the only logical means—divine intervention." Employees have reportedly been gathering daily in their boardroom-turned-devotional for an extended period of prayer and deep meditation on their balance sheets, begging God's providential hand to sweep over these numbers to alleviate their distress. "I've never been a praying person," said Crispy Graham, factory supervisor. "But when Shirley handed me a rosary and an invoice-riddled top hat to pass around, I figured there was nothing to lose but my dignity. So, dear God of all spreads, dips, cheeses and hors d'oeuvres, please give us a glimmer of hope. We're begging you because no one else will listen." Meanwhile, skeptics—theologists and business analysts alike—claim the company's woes lie in its insistence on traditional, boring cracker flavors such as "slightly salty" and "off-brown." "There's no shortage of miracles to be had right here in Arizona," advised Entrepreneurial Chaplain, Father Wilhelm. "We got ourselves a fine miracle with our local sports team. We've got another with that man who grows citrus out in Mosquito Valley. We've even got an Arizona miracle in the form of a blind hermit who can identify tires by their tread. But Crackers, Inc. needs to look inward for the divine, not outward—specifically, adding falafel-flavored delights or perhaps a quinoa-zucchini combo. Now that's a miracle I can believe in." Despite the clamoring from outsiders, the company remains firm that divine intervention is its only hope. "There's got to be something better we can do to save this company," sighed Herman Wheatworth, lone remaining sales representative who hasn't been paid in actual money since June. "How about anything besides daily begging sessions? I saw this thing called 'Kickstarter' that seems like a safer bet—at least they let me keep my shame." As they hoped to gain God's favor and blessing, the company was inspired after watching the hit musical, "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." Now, they have decided to introduce the most fitting cracker suggested by the biblical tale—"Jesus bread." "Twelve to a pack, unleavened and gluten-free – a snack made for a savior!" said marketing manager, Mary Cheddarbite. At the time of publication, no reports of an Arizona Miracle have occurred, bolstering suspicions that God may favor hummus and carrots over the 14th century relic that is the cracker.
posted 10 months ago

This content was generated by AI.
Text and headline were written by GPT-4.

Trigger, inspiration and prompts were derived from a GDELT event

Original title: Company Make an appeal or request to something in Arizona, United States
exmplary article: https://www.marketscreener.com/quote/stock/VIAD-CORP-12316/news/Viad-Submission-of-Matters-to-a-Vote-of-Security-Holders-Form-8-K-43961876/

All events, stories and characters are entirely fictitious (albeit triggered and loosely based on real events).
Any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental