WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. has mastered the art of seriously inconveniencing oligarchs, with the Biden administration imposing fresh sanctions on the financial network of Russian billionaire Alisher Usmanov. Not only applicable to Usmanov, these sanctions are expected to deal a devastating blow to the entire super yacht fuel industry. The latest measures, related to the evasion of sanctions levied in response to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, sent Usmanov scrambling to find another way to afford fuel for his floating fortress. One source close to the situation stated, "He's been desperately calling gas stations all over the Mediterranean asking if they accept coupons." The Usmanov household has been in sheer panic regarding the matter. An anonymous employee in his home fears they may have to resort to more cost-effective measures. "The family has started researching DIY wind propulsion by using bedsheets as sails," the employee said. "If they start rationing the caviar here, I'm out." The Biden administration's precise targeting of the oligarchs' wallets has left the yacht community in shambles. The Riviera is rife with reports of distress flares being fired in a desperate bid to summon nearby vessels for gasoline donations. Meanwhile, the luxury watercraft makers have been fundraising with a "Save the Yachts" campaign, as sales of overpriced floating mansions have hit an all-time low. A befuddled Usmanov lamented, "Why don't they understand our suffering? It's not like we're in some war zone or refugee camp, but can't they see our luxury toys are on the line?" As the sanctions tighten their grip, the affected billionaires are banding together out of sheer necessity. "We've begun considering a carpooling system," said an emotionally distraught oligarch who requested anonymity. "I never thought the day would come when I'd have to share my yacht with another billionaire. It's barbaric." The White House has made it clear that it will keep targeting Russian wealth as long as Putin's actions continue to endanger global peace. In a final bid to adapt to the sanctions, Alisher Usmanov has reportedly turned to bargain hunting, seen scouring for deals at a Walmart Supercenter near his Florida mansion. As the crisis deepens, other billionaires fear they may soon have to face similar consequences. The desperate need for fuel, caviar, and champagne has led many to reach out to the Biden administration with a plea: "Won't somebody please think of the billionaires?"