Canberra, Australia - In a unanimous decision, the Australian Parliament passed a new law on Tuesday to officially dub their government devices "too dumb" for TikTok, protecting their national security in the process. The revelation came as a surprise to many who previously believed intelligence was required to operate these devices. Australia is not the first nation in the Five Eyes security alliance to impose a TikTok ban on their government officials. However, they have taken the unique approach of cloaking their devices in a cloak of stupidity, effectively warding off Chinese spies. Attorney-General Mark Dreyfus explained the reasoning behind the ban during a press conference. "Our intelligence agencies looked into the devices used by our government officials and determined that they are just too dumb to run TikTok. It's for the best, really, as it turns out that even our national security is too stupid to be worth stealing." The international response has been nothing short of admiration. The United States, Britain, Canada, and New Zealand have all applauded Australia's approach, prompting them all to consider implementing similar measures. In a statement, the Five Eyes alliance declared their intent to form an international "Dumb Squad" to safeguard their respective governments against foreign infiltration. Citizens across Australia praised the government for its quick thinking in the area of cybersecurity. Barry, a Sydney resident, told us, "This is a massive breakthrough. We've always known that our politicians were a bit dim, but now we can say that their dimness is actually protecting our nation." A spokesperson for TikTok expressed disappointment in the Australian decision, stating, "If only their devices were smarter, they would be able to enjoy the creativity and joy that TikTok brings to millions worldwide. However, we're secretly relieved that their device's ineptitude will shield them from the harmful side effects of the app's addiction." There were a few dissenting voices, arguing that the nation's officials should be issued smarter devices. However, Australian parliament, unwilling to disrupt their nation's peaceful status quo, has assured its citizens that they will not be acquiring higher intellect anytime soon. In a rare expression of sincere humility, Attorney-General Dreyfus added, "We are aware that our devices are among the dumbest in the world. While some may see this as a weakness, we truly believe that their idiocy, coupled with our lifelong determination to keep our devices devoid of any tech savvy, will keep our national security safe."