SAN SALVADOR, El Salvador -- In an absurd twist of fate, an access gate at Monumental stadium in Cuscatlan, El Salvador decided to fight back against unruly soccer fans, resulting in nine fatalities and several injuries on Saturday. The incident occurred during a quarterfinal match between clubs Alianza and FAS. So tired of being constantly pushed and shoved by impatient fans, the gate, feeling it had reached a breaking point, finally said enough and proceeded to brutally sack no less than nine fans in what witnesses describe as a truly intense showdown. "It seemed like every day, thousands of these humans would harass me - constantly pushing and shoving me. I'm no pushover, but enough was enough!" said the battered and bruised gate, leaning on its hinges in exhaustion after the tragic accident. Footage from the scene shows the gate stiffen with anger and agony as even more fans attempted to enter the stadium. The gate's hinges groaning in protest as screams of pain echoed throughout the area. Some witnesses argued that when the gate's patience finally snapped, it appeared as if it had made a deliberate choice out of anger. "It was as if the gate realized it couldn't take it anymore, and in that critical moment, it decided to clench its… err… latch and not let anyone pass," recalled one fan who managed to escape the furious gate's wrath. "It was at that point that chaos ensued." A representative for the gate community, Hingella Doorstop, issued a statement of sympathy for the victims, but also pleaded for understanding and empathy for the gate itself. "Despite our robust and sturdy nature, gates are living creatures that deserve love, care, and respect. We stand by our fellow gate in this time of adversity and we hope that this incident can serve as a reminder for fans to treat us kindly, particularly during heated soccer matches," she said. Meanwhile, the National Civil Police quickly began to realize that the only way to de-escalate the situation was to call in a crisis negotiator, who attempted to calmly reason with the gate. Fortunately, this was unnecessary, as the gate had finally exhausted itself and, although still furious, agreed to release several fans still tangled in its grasp. The authorities have taken the rogue gate into custody, and a full investigation is underway. In light of the incident, other gates in El Salvador have been placed on high alert, and fans are being advised to approach with caution and respect. Gates are now being encouraged to open up about their grievances and seek counselling if needed, particularly if they become increasingly agitated during intense soccer games. Satire disclaimer: This article is, obviously, satirical. No gates were harmed in the production of this article.